If that was your dad, he is hot
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
