I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
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