My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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