I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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