That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
