Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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