i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Someone shattered a urinal.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
He did a backflip because drugs
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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