I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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