haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
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