time to smoke my breakfast
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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