I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
