i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
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