omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
