The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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