if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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