True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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