my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Randomize
