My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I have fence marks all over my body
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize