My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
