Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Someone signed my nipple.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
