No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
