Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
