Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
