my phone needs a breathalizer
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize