I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
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