Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize
