the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
