If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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