I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I'm drive I can fine osifer
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
