I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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