Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
