Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
