I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
