Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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