I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
i drank out of a bidet.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
