I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
