How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize