I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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