My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
You dont lie about slip and slides
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
