Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
