My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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