at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
