It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Randomize
