She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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