weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
