I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
