Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize