Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
