Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
And then he peed in my hair
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
