Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
We need to get me chipped asap
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
Randomize