my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Randomize
