I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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