The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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