and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
