Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
