Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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