I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
