party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
