and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
