His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
