I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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